Private Territory.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My cousin (on the right) and I. Forgot where this was.

Mhm, I really don't know what to say.

I think I screwed my interview up?

Was all nervy and didn't keep eye contact.

Did not express what I wanted to say completely. Not that the interviewer wasn't nice, she was relatively okayy, though I stammered a whole lot. Totally lost my composure. :/ Goodness.

It really sucks.

Everytime I want something really bad, it kinds of turns out horrid in the end.

WORSE. I seriously lack self-confidence.

Interviews. Tests. Oral exams.

When I received the call from ntu on wed evening, I was more scared than excited.

That was because I wanted to nail it so bad; it was my only hope of entering college, and the ONLY course here I'm ever interested in. After doing heaploads of research I began to grow more fond of the course and even excited too. Learning new languages, and it's incredible that whatever foreign language that I'm learning would actually help in my studies!

Then came Friday the big day.

I went to the room, did my essay with 20 odd people, and it's evident; majority of them being Arts students. Well-dressed, eloquent, fluent English-speakers.

As I sat there waiting for my name to be called, I was OVERWHELMED with fear please?

Majority of them look so composed, confident. Personally, I kept my cool on the outside, but actually inside I was dying.

I could feel this HUGE monster called Anxiety swallowing me whole.

Inside, this assistant prof was quite nice I guess.

Yet I have no idea why I still lost my cool.

Couldn't remember what I wanted to say.

Couldn't express myself properly.

Got the jitters.

Didn't emphasize my points enough, and elaborated only so little.

Overall, if not for the interview, I think I would feel relatively better?

When I asked for the rough timing for confirmation letter, the prof actually said she couldn't give me a confirmed answer, but usually and basically, it's 2 weeks to a month to wait for the college to send a letter of confirmation or letter of rejection, and if the next course of your choice calls you down for an interview, means you've probably been rolled down?

Who in the world would mention that, unless you are not being considered.

Personally I took it as a hint, that I was rejected right away. I mean, wouldn't anybody?

I don't think I'm being overly paranoid. Gosh when I told my cousin, she kind of agreed with me even!

And usually, during the interview, I thought the interviewer would elaborate a lot on the course details if he/she's keen? During the course of my interview there was no such thing!

I think I'd better just pray and wait for the letter to come.

Since this is the only one I'm really interested in, and I believe that if I choose just anything that would get me into a university without having any interest or passion at all, I'll probably just die, not even halfway through the 4 years stay.

If anything happens, I'd probably retake my As as private candidate.

TOUCHWOOD.

Yet at the end of the day, what made me feel even worse for not getting into a college, is the disappointment brought upon my parents. Mom especially.

Her words from yesterday are still ringing in my ears.

I'll just pray and wait for the best.

Have faith.