Private Territory.

Monday, May 31, 2010

I dropped my pen in the middle of biology tutorial just now in the library.

We started talking about university, appeals, and slim chances.

I thought about the offer I had at this current moment.

Nursing.

No don't get me wrong! It's not as if I'm repulsed by it; I just never thought of myself being a nurse. I know I considered healthcare before but just how willing and prepared am I to commit my whole life to a hospital? Of course, I wouldn't just stay here if I were to be a nurse. Like, maybe a few years here, then I'd venture abroad. I like the challenge, and nursing definitely sounds like an occupation that is able to give me a sense of satisfaction in life; helping others.

Yeh, I'd like that. (:

I look up to them actually. I know how reluctant I was to take up the job, how I keep telling smelly and those around me who want to take up nursing that it's a sucky job, ABSOLUTE SAIKANG that no one would go for unless graduation results were atrocious!

That's just plain bullshit. (Well okay; not all of it...)

They take up jobs people normally shun from. They contribute to the society, they are the angels in white and they are the ones who dedicate their lives to help others recover from whatever severe enough to put them in a ward in the first place. They fight unseen viruses, which I must admit, is pretty big a brave act! At least when soldiers fend their countries, they see their foes; people working in the health sector don't.

Brave. Noble, in fact.

I want to do something like that. Something meaningful. I like seeing people smile.

I don't like to be cooped up somewhere, running a regular job like everyone else.

I want an occupation, something to occupy my time (and at the same time provide me with an income as well, of course), not a job that pays me sky high but gives me utter zero sense of satisfaction.

I'm definitely not gonna be a mad nurse. No.

(Not unless you crank me up.)

So yes.

I was walking home just now thinking thinking thinking. Going for a nursing degree pretty much meant that I had to follow that path for pretty much the rest of my life. (On the other hand, if I really went with it, I want to go further to pursue a doctorate. :D)

So as you can see, I've been thinking a lot of late. I tried getting comments and feedback from my friends, but I guess everyone has their own priorities.

I know what I want. At least I think I do. Yet, I can't seem to find out which direction I should be heading.

Anyhowwws.

Imma go finish up my appeal letter to ntu; FINALLY.

And then I'll send it in, and I'd probably ponder a little more about what I really want.

See; I currently have these BOOMZ ideas:

1) Appeal for NTULMS.

-Like, write as good an appeal (and good selling points of myself) as I can muster.

Hopefully this will get me into LMS, and put an end to all my frets.

Now, say something bad happens with that NTU LMS appeal of mine.

2) Retake A levels.

-Like, study like a cracko.

-Get good grades; may it be FANTABULOUS! Pawn the louse ones I received this March 5th.

-While waiting for results and admission into NTULMS, work throughout and save enough money for exchange programs and immersions trips to France/Switzerland/Belgium.

-Master French.

3) Take up Nursing

-Well, should my appeal to FASS fail, that is.

Well so basically these are the two routes I have left.

And I pretty much foresee myself taking the second.

Gosh, I really hope an answer/message comes to me soon.

I'll be waiting by my postbox-slash-phone-slash-cellphone-slash-emailinbox.

Since I strongly believe everything happens for a reason:

From when I first saw my result slip on March 5th,

To when I decided that local courses do not interest me.

Until I saw that Scholarships healthcare brochure,

And it dawned on me that Speech Pathology was what I was interested in.

Yet, I could not afford a foreign education, and my grades weren't ace enough to earn me that scholarhsip.

In addition my parents were objective to me going to a foreign land alone.

Until I checked out NTU open house.

That's when Smelly dragged me to the Linguistics and Multilingual Studies booth I mentioned I was vaguely interested in.

And I put it as first choice.

Got my interview after a hell of a wait.

To in fact, get a rejection letter.

So yeah. I'm pretty much lost, still. And terrified.

I feel like this mouse scientists inject with some weird psychological potion from a green syringe and toss randomly into a maze box for me to find my way from the start point to the end point where the GINORMOUS slice of cedar cheese lies.

Dingue. Et delirious.

Parfait.

Hello there, fat kitty. Don't look so sad, you're not alone; I'm very much lost myself too.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

GUILT TRIP

Bought this 50% dark Ritter Sport at suntec Carrefour when I went over to xinyi's for a sleepover thursday night. Oh, along with a bento box of sushi and a bag of Lays' Sour Cream and Onion (which I didn't get close to finishing; You gotta save room for the chocolate.)

Yes yes. Such rare indulgence. And what fate that brought us together too!

XY: Hey! Kinde Bueno!

IVY: ZOMG SO MANY SELECTIONS OF RITTER SPORTTTT.

XY: No! You already have your chips!

IVY: *dragged away to cashier*

At the cashier's:

XY: *muttering about queues and slow cashiers*

IVY: *line of scope wandering around* ZOMG. Rittersport! *exclaims happily to no one in particular at the candy rack*

XY: Euhm. Yes.

IVY: WHAT FATE! Okay that's it; I'm getting it. Now...Lays or Rittersport...

XY: ...ahhh...

IVY: Ayeee whatever. *pops the square bar of chocolate onto pile of junkies in my arms*

See, what can I say.

It's a SIGN.

Anyways.

50% was the highest I saw.

Maybe next time I'll keep an eye out for this one.

HEH.

After I came home from the noisy, bustling pubs at Holland Village yesterday with my ex-colleagues, I finally figured out the cause of my zit outbreak.

12 cubes of chocolate from the nights before.

Tch.

I foresee my cheecks getting meatier and my thighs getting fleshier.

What the heck.

Chocolates are cheaper than booze, healthier too.

Yesterday I went to my ex-colleague's 21st birthday party.

It wasn't a HUGE event which I imagined, bustling with chirpy guests of all ages, excited girls chattering away. Instead, it was kind of awkward.

Well firstly there werne't much people to begin with, most of the people who turned up were relatives of the girls (they're twins), and they took up like about, 3 tables? 3 full ones too, consisting of malays and indians (the birthday girls are indian-muslims). Another table was occupied by their friends. We took up one table, a family (seemingly indian) took up the table on our right and behind them sat a middle-aged Chinese couple at the farthest table.

That pretty much sums up all the people who were there, of course including the MCs the girls and their siblings. Half the dialogue was in a language we didn't understand, and from the looks on Irene's face, I had to say i was feeling kind of fortunate and relieved that I couldn't. Oops.

Altogether the whole thing was a small gathering of friends, colleagues, and family for the two girls who just turned 21 recently. Oh, and my colleague was gorgeous that night! She looked a tad like Miley Cyrus too. Well, in y opinion that is. i turned around to comment to smelly and see whether she agrees, but the silly girl didn't even know who on earth Miley Cyrus/hannah Montana was. LOL. Ace. Irene was asking about food, and commented to Stella and us that when she had her 21st birthday, there weren't so much as games and speeches, but really just singing and then cutting straight to the food. Perhaps that was why she kept asking Stella when they could start eating.

Took pictures, and then took our leave. -.-

Stella, Alva and Kenny left first, leaving Smelly, Kenneth, Irene and I kind of clueless as to what was going on, as they made it clear to us that we were going separate ways and told us to meet at Holland Village at 10.30pm.

Which again, I feel was kinda evil.

Well, firstly they don't tell us what they were up to (Smelly was right in thinking they were going to take Kenny's car; really I see no reason to be so mysterious).

Secondly, they dumped Kenneth to us: smelly and I. -.-

I mean, what the heck? We only knew him for what, a couple of hours? I'll bet he feels more uncomfortable than we do; smelly and I have known each other for 5 months already, hello.

Well anyways we passed him back to them saying we could manage. LOL. We ended up going to Wendy's to get smelly her food since she didn't eat much at the party. (Well, no one did. HAHA. Some of them couldn't take the spice; I think the rest of us didn't dare eat much. Plus, we are far from being those prissy girls with dainty little waists and small appetites, really; who am I kidding.)

So she got her kid's meal.

AND SHE GAVE ME HER FREE TOY!!! (L)

Anyways.

We alighted at West Mall and hopped on Kenny's car.

Squeezed the hell out of me. HAHAHA. If the car came to a sudden halt I wouldn't be surprised if I flew out the windscreen, bounced off a couple of cars at the front, and soared into the sky.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah then it's off to Holland Village. As much as I hate to point out, I needed to rush home and reach before twelve, as usual (I think this is where the word 'curfew' comes in. Ewwwck), but knowing this bunch of people, it's not quite likely I would if I don't keep pestering. Hahahaha. The conversation always goes like this:

Ivy: *whispers* Pst. Stella! I have to reach home before twelve. So I have to set off at 11 most likely, it's okay if you people are staying, I'll just leave first.

Stella: What! Nonsense. You leave with me! Don't worry lah, we'll make sure you reach home safe and sound before twelve.

Ivy: ...okayy.

Ivy: Eh, how long are we staying there huh? I can't stay long.

Kenny: Can lah. You will get home by twelve lah!

Stella: Yeah! No worries.

Ivy: Oh. Okay good! :D

Kenny: ...Plus minus two hours.

IVY: -.-

Just so you know (you don't, really. trust me.), 'MINUS' has never occured yet.

And the last time that happened I remembered being in either Clarke Quay or Changi Airport, leaving only at 11.10pm. LOL.

So I'm hereby renounced the nickname of...

Cinderella.

-.- Quite dumb really.

Zzz.

Oh boy! Haha can't wait to get my hands on the pictures after siti/stella uploads them.

Oh, and a funny thing is, I noticed recently that although I have consistently been bringing my camera out with me wherever and whenever I meet up with my friends, I rarely get high enough to whip it out for a few shots. Well okay, actually it isn't that funny. D:

I really should start seeing fishing out my camera and taking random candid shots of people and acquaintances! Take it as a form of initiative, not saying that I'm needing anymore, or lacking thereof.

Yesterday got me thinking too; how I'd plan my 21st.

Hurhur. Small little party, maybe at a chalet? Close friends: high school/tuition/jc/tennis/choir; colleagues; teachers maybe? Cousins and relatives a definite yes. Make it small. Will there be a theme? What food?

Ayee, still have slightly more than a couple of years more to think about it. Hohumm.

Okay I'm rambling now. Better get back to Biology then to that appeal letter of mine.

Pictures up when I get hold of them; must absolutely refrain from piling on more to that already brimming picture debt of mine. Holycow.

-cousins @ esplanade for christmas

-cousins @ sleepover for labours day

-CISA+k @ t3 for welcoming of alva's cousin

-CISA @random (on blackberry) at work

-zhiyun + huiyi @ suntec

-peifang + zhiyun @ town

-wq + wy + wy's cousin @vivo

-clique @ sleepover at wanyu's

-clique @ vivo swensens. XUAAAA.

-clique @ clarke quay + haji lane. XUAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

-bff @ clarke quay

-rosie @ expo + suntec

-bong + fq + mel @ vivo for dinner.

See what I mean. My blog might just explode in the next coming days.

And on facebook.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

To hide behind giant shades.

I've been neglecting this space for a while now.

Didn't know what to type.

Everyday seems...repetitive; everyday the same.

I'd wake up, try to hit the books, do some chores, see parents at night, then head back to sleep.

A part of me wants to continue trying.

Another tells me I should give up hope; continue doing what I should have been doing since I dropped my job near two months ago.

I lie in bed at night, thinking where I would be, where I should be if only I had worked harder, started earlier.

I lie in bed at night, praying to a God I never believed much in when I was a kid, hoping that now I'd find my way with faith, build up my strength again, and find my will, my direction.

"Don't give up hope."

"Hold faith."

Oh? Even with it I don't know where I'm heading.

So, what do I do now?

Monday, May 10, 2010

J'aime ma merè! <3>Je lui ai acheté la GUESS sac, et elle aime la sac!

Zomg, noobish français, but what the heck. At least I'm attempting. Hehe.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOMMY!

I know you don't even know the existence of this site, but I still want to say. Thank you for being there whenever I need someone by my side, and I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused. Especially this period of time while waiting for my universities applications to be accepted. (Namely, ntu lms.)

I know it's been so hard on you recently.

But no matter what, I'll be here for you, just like how you've always been there for me.

Je t'aime, ma merè.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Its a terrible feeling really. I'm still waiting for my university admission letter here, while majority of my friends have already receievd theirs?
And the fact that I screwed up my interview really doesn't make me feel any better. Ugh.

I heard that ntu HSS has been sending letters already, yes again other than those I saw online.
So did bioengineering and some other science/engineering courses.

Depressing depressing.
Hadn't dared open my postbox, nor check the online joint admission thingy status.
Two days now. Or is it three?
Anyways. For the four days before this, I'd checked both sources consequetively.
No news either.
And the feeling of seemingly waiting for nothing to happen is too overwhelming a thought.

A friend told me, how insensitive others around her were towards this.
Like how they lament at her when she tells them she has yet to receive news, while close ones around her already have.

Another friend exhibits her sheer nonchalence and cold bitter attitude towards those who screwed up their interviews for thr desired course.
"If you want it so badly, you should already have prepared for it. Too bad if you flunked your only chance of proving yourself."

Others comfort you and say, it's still early, have faith.

I read on someone's blog. 'It's ridiculous to ask another to bear hope, when there isn't any hope to start with.'
Or something along those lines.
Yet having hope for a seemingly complete gone case.
It's what they call false hope, no?
You keep wishing for something to happen, knowing it won't, and eventually when truth beholds and reality hits, the dealt blow is often too much to handle.

So why?
Why put myself so high when all I know is to be let down again?

On a cheerier note, I bought myself three pendants from Citigems. So pretty! And extremely cheap.
and I received my pay for march/april (like finally)
Finished watching 4 seasons of the Golden Girls.
Rejected quite a lot of appointments due to my recent mood.
Went to EXPO for the Borders book fiar, bought nothing there except 6 exercise books on offer, a French set, and $4 worth of popcorn.
Met up with my choir girls.
Went for dinner with two of my colleagues. (Haven't seen them in ages.)
Haven't been able to concentrate on my retaking of As. As I said, that glimpse of false hope. Very distracting.
Been learning French.
Killed a moth. (I think I deserve a prize for this.)
And a lot more.

I'm running out of things to update about, so I shall leave it to the next post.
Au revoir.